Office Bingo

Ok – all you have to do is attempt to get some of these “everyday?!” phrases into any meeting that you may have. We all know how boring they can be so give it a try. It’s better if someone else is in on it so that you can put them off as they are making a serious point – all good fun though. Here’s a few to get you started : (any suggestions / comments / stories welcome)

1 – we realy should “get on” that
2 – mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (for at least 10 seconds)
3 – what about the starving children in africa?
4 – *click click* Bobs your *click click* uncle!
5 – its as if technical support people have tourettes or somthing
6 – its not what I’ve got here, oh wait yes it is, I was looking at a map
7 – well, it’s all carpet to me
8 – spiffing, and I mean that!
9 – dont you come that with me bucko
10 – thats easy for you to say, i might have a lisp

haha there you go, fairly tough but still fun!

Cheers

Chuffy

Random Facts of the Day

Chickens can run up to 9mph

 The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

 Swans are the only birds with penises.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

And to end on a happy note……………….Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two helpless protesters to death

Am I Bovvered? – Certainly am young lady!

Yesterday I had to go on the tube to a meeting.> On the way back, there was a woman opposite me who was trying to strike up  conversation with everyone around her. She started talking to a young mother who was cut from Catherine Tate ‘bovvered’ cloth.

The exchange between them was so depressing and Little Britain -like that I had no choice but to put my ipod on as loud as it would go to drown out their interference of my consciousness…..

Once ‘bovvered trainer-girl’ had left the tube, the woman (let’s just call her Mary) waved aggressively in front of my face and beckoned for me to take my ear-plugs out. Patiently, I did so. She then shouted at me “YOUR MUSIC IS WAY TOO LOUD. I CAN HEAR IT FROM OVER HERE.”I smiled at her and asked her politely if she had any idea why I had felt the need to put my ipod on full-volume?

She stared at me blankly…and so I told her, very calmly that just as it is annoying for her to have to listen to my overly loud music, life works both ways. Life does not revolve around her. Perhaps everyone on the tube was trying to have a quiet moment and did not want to listen to HER overly-loud and inanely boring conversation with trainer-girl?

Maybe, just maybe, on that journey, I did not want to listen to the details of the girl’s lengthy labour trials? Maybe I didn’t want to hear about the baby’s feeding habits? I had just wanted to sit quietly and yet I was not able to as I had been forced into their conversation by proxy. They were not talking quietly, but very loudly. There was no-where in the carriage that I could have moved to and not heard them and the gory details.

I said all this very calmly and very pleasantly. I was not in any way angry with her, but it was necessary for her to know that SHE was not necessarily in the right, and me in the wrong. I also explained that waving her hand aggressively in-front of my face and shouting at me was not particularly necessary.

I have made a pact to myself, that if anyone is remotely aggressive towards me, I am going to ask them if they are aware that they are being so? I will no longer put up with this sort of behaviour from emotionally stunted people. It feels good to atleast try and have an interchange to explain to them their aggression, but in a nice way.

I have found that the normal reaction to talking to them in a calm manner about their aggression is of a rabbit in head-lights.

Chuffy’s sis, Meesh

Lies all Lies!!!!!!

All the major engineering projects taking place for 10 days over the Christmas and New Year have gone according to plan and services will start as normal on Wednesday 2nd January 2008.

‘one’ apologises for any inconvenience you have incurred over this period. We hope you’ve had a good Christmas and wish you all the very best for 2008.

To check the details of your train use our journey planner.

This was the email I had waiting in my inbox for my return to work this morning. Please see my reply to One railway below:

Dear “one”

With regards to the  above email I would just like to say that incase you weren’t aware this really is not the case. The reason I say this is because after a journey of 2 and a quarter hours (usually 1 and a quarter) my train was terminated at Stratford this morning, and due to the fact that everyone else whos train into Liverpool Street was terminated here (funny really when the station is (“open” according to you), there was so much people traffic and overcrowding on the central line that I had to get thye DLR to Poplar and change and got to Bank with overall was an hour out of my way. So may i make a small suggestion about your proud marketing emails that you may have finally got it right and completed work on time, You Didn’t, so please do not send me these emails that sit in my inbox waiting for me to finally arrive late at work following your incompetence that are blatent lies! For Future reference when completeing major engineering works tell everyone they will finish a week later than they will and aim for the early deadline. This way you may have a small chance of completing on time.

Thanks for my pleasent first Journey back after Christmas

Humperdinkaling

The Christmas Grinch ………. OK I mean gimp :D

Was jaunting back to the old station with my sister last night and it was all quiet … not even a mouse was stirring .. the xmas tree as up in the station (quite and impressive effort I must add this year) – My sister had to buy a ticket and seeing as I get a reduction for people travelling with me we decided to give it a whirl.

  The machine was not giving us any options to get the cheap ticket …. so we saw that the ticket hall was completely empty.

  Upon entering the ticket area, you are faced with a snake of those lovely “roped off things” – you know the ones where you can pull at one end and then hook the plastic onto the stand next to it etc etc – seeing as the place was entirely empty and there was an ‘assistant’ in front of us, my sister started to duck under the ribbons to get to the front ……. the assistant said that she “can’t do that … you have to go round the snake” – we explained that there as no one actually in here except us …. but he was adamant and said that we “have to go round the snake and then when you get to the front wait there and one us will call you when we are ready” – Well, I told him where he could stick his ticket and went under the barriers anyway (what a rebel I am! ) – I did make sure that I unclipped a few of them though to give the gimp something to do later seeing as he must be so mind-numbingly bored with his job and his life that he has to ‘create’ a situation like this. Seriously; merry bloody christmas to you too, …he must be a leech that sucks the life out of society. Someone should put him out of his misery (I would be more than happy to assist him with this if he would like my help – I could get one of the ribbons and wrap it round his neck and drag him round the snake so that it gradually gets tighter and tighter until it gradually leaks the life out of him until there is nothing but a dim glow and he’d pray that I would put him out of this hell .. well no ….. I’m sure it could be arranged for him to be kept in this state of burning hell so that he dips in and out of consciousness to be constantly reminded of his plight for an eternity) – However I divulge (apologies .. I am currently listening to “Bleeding Through” and it’s making me have very bad thoughts )

 As it was we went along to the next guy and my sister said that they guy “must have a really tiny brain” (I must have been blessed with the insult gene in my family! ) – the assistant who was now serving us was laughing at us anyway (obviously our ‘friend’ clinging so closely onto his excuse of a life was making fun of us behind the desk. Well you do what you like mate cos at the end of the day I’m very happy with my life and have a wicked time, and basically have “fun” (for all the religious types out there searching for the meaning of life .. it’s just that … in a word .. “Fun!” – go enjoy rather than wasting your time searching for stupid answers to stupid questions) – If he’s so disgruntled with his life then drive yourself to Bristol Bridge and see if you can fly

So ….. this could have all been avoided by using a little bit of common sense and enjoying your life – Happy Days!

cheers

Chuffy

Mac Attack

No thanks ….. I’m not hungry

Can grown men actually get dressed? Not if the guys on my train are anything to go by! – Why is that when they decide that it’s about 10 mins before we are due to pull into the station and so therefore must put their big “rainproof” Mac on they …. First off it’s about as rainproof as my Nan standing naked in torrential tidal waves wearing only a Rain Hat! Secondly, is it strictly “Mac wearer’s code” to swing it round, with the vigour of a L’Oreal Hair model, and smack me in the face / eye / knackers!? – Can you not simply take the jacket, spy where the arms are and place your arms in them? Surely this is something that is taught at grade school

anyway – I always like to get my own back by ‘mistakenly’ swinging my backpack onto my back and ‘accidently’ hitting them with it – hehe – oh the childish games we play

Love it

Chuffy

Reindeer Facts

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known.. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

Am I really starting to despise humanity!

Errr … well ………. yeah

Ok so we’re faced with the usual scenario that I blabber on about, “The morning commuter ’seat spotting’ ” (.. incidentally “seat spotting” is to be included in the 2008 Olympics so I hear! – random fact there for you!) – I’m standing in my spot on the platform and notice that there is an esteemed city gent and his ‘wife’ (was most probably his slightly younger ‘mutton dressed as lamb / how much cheap eau de tear gas can I put on in one day’ girlfriend but anyway..) – the gent was, as H likes to call us, a “pro” when it comes to seat spotting, which is fair enough, however it was clear from the start that little miss mutton was not only an amateur but was clearly a rookie! Oh dear! 

  The train chugs into the station and we all get ready for the doors. They land straight on my mark and we’re all looking good so far. The doors open and the zombies stroll off – (I know that I’ve shoved in tonnes and tonnes of brackets and quotes but this ‘tip of the day’ is a good one! – …. when you are seat spotting can I give away a big tip and let you know one of the key key secrets? .. ok here goes…. when you are working out which side of the carriage to join, can I suggest that you take note of where the main exit or stairs are, as this will give you the general direction of where people are aiming to get to. Therefore, let’s say that there are 12 coaches of a train and that the exit is positioned at coach 6, people in say coach 2 will be more likely exiting from the doors nearest to the middle of the train – therefore if you stand at the doors next to coach 1, although you will get a few drifters coming out, you are more likely to board the train before the commuters at the other door for coach 2 – hehe – keep that one under your hat .. (common sense I know but you’d be surprised!) ……… ok so we’re back in the room …… well back at the platform, sorry … the zombies are strolling off and I’m poised to get on – a gold medal competitor launches on and sits herself down in a two seater (the only two seater available as it’s pretty rammed!) – nicely done. The crusty old bloke … err I mean esteemed city gent is next on and walks over to her and just stares at her, expecting her to 1) know that he was with the mutton and 2) give up her seat so that the two love birds can sit together .. yeah right mate! – I sit myself down on a six-seater on the end with a spare seat … now he’s staring at me expecting me to give up my seat – well I was considering it, however the way that he started getting annoyed at the fact that the woman hadn’t I sat there and said to myself “f*** ‘em” – in all their dithering, everyone else who was sensible was sitting down while they huffed and puffed. When skilfully done it can seem like a swarm of ants taking the seats, however now they were only left with the two seats that no-one ever wants in the middle of the six-seaters opposite each other. They huffed and puffed some more (and probably blew down a few little houses) and eventually sat down with the mutton next to me …. mmm the perfume delights! They started verbally complaining about the woman not letting them sit together and then the mutton said “well don’t worry about it because she is just stupid for doing that” – WTF!! shut up you stupid cow! Get a life – I was so livid at her comments that I made sure I did the blokey thing and opened my legs up as much as possible and made sure she got a few elbows as well! I’m sure she had a very comfortable trip into London – hehe.

The morale of the story here is it’s everyone for themselves in a morning commute and just get on with it – there are plenty of other things in life to worry about …like what the hell am I gonna have for lunch ! hehe

cheers

chuffy

Random Facts

The capital city of Croatia is Zagreb

Cerealogy is the study of crop circles

The average Italian consumes 28kgs of pasta a year

According to the 12 Days of Christmas song 7 swans-a-swimming are given on the 7th day (I found this fact on a website, but what kind of fact is this? Its like saying FACT: According to James blunt “You are Beautiful”)

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Today my friends is a very bad day. This morning i arrived at the station to find (for the third day running) a person in my spot on the platform. I thought I could let this slide, it  may even have been nice to have a door buddy, BUT NO. The final straw was when we boarded the train and he sat in “MY SEAT”. Can you belive the cheek of this man? I sat two seats in front opened the window and he got soaked from the rain and freezing cold! He desreved every drop. What is this world coming to?

Humperdinkaling